Bros before Hoes.


My whole life, I’ve been friends with men. I grew up with a group of boys who taught me the ways of the world, and through them I learned a lot of really interesting thing — specifically things about relationships.

From a young age, I knew that something existed called the “bro code.” The premise of said code being quite simple: Bros before Hoes.

When I entered the dating world, I assumed this would be universal. Members of the same sex would stick together, because in the dog eat dog world of relationships, someone had to be there to support you, right? Wrong. Ironically, the “Girl Code” is also “Bros before Hoes”.

Men are never wrong. Women have this flawed frame of mind where they immediately attack all women, but, even though both a man and a woman had to make that choice these woman are so worked up about, they ignore the man’s actions. They believe him over the warnings of their friends. They tell everyone they meet terrible stories about the “nasty homewrecking whore”. They put a bro way before their fellow hoes.

I distinctly remember talking to my best friend (a male) one night about this concept of gender loyalty in relationships. And he said something that really stuck with me: “It’s simple, really. If my friend slept with my girlfriend, I’d confront him. But if you slept with your girlfriend’s boyfriend, she’d talk to everyone except for you about it.” And never has anyone said something more accurate.

That’s the very reason that I don’t believe I owe loyalty to women anymore. And maybe that makes me a terrible person, but why go out of my way to help you out when I know that you’d run your mouth about me the first chance you got?

But really. Have you ever noticed that the other woman is immediately vilified as a dirty slut, while the man’s actions are never even commented on? It takes two to tango, sweetheart, and if your boyfriend cheated on you — the real problem is him, not her.

Why do we, as women, feel the need to attack other women? It’s obvious that everyone is out to get everyone else. But why?

So what if she’s kissed a lot of guys? She’s still supposed to be your friend, so damn it, act like one. Don’t run around telling everyone how she’s a terrible person and you can’t believe her unless you’re willing to say something to her face. And who cares if one of the men she kissed has also kissed another of your friends? IT ISN’T HER FAULT. Maybe you should just look at the man who is the connecting factor.

But, ladies, if everyone has warned you about him, and you make the choice, then you should be prepared for the consequences. I’m going to have a very hard time feeling bad for you when you end up heartbroken after you ignored everyone telling you about him, and all of the warning signs, and you didn’t ask the girl all of the rumors are about, but instead decided to talk about her to all of her friends.

That girl he slept with while he was dating you did nothing wrong. She didn’t know about you. Granted, she’d heard some rumors, but how was she to know they were true? Also, she came first.

This is why I don’t believe in the “Girl Code” that I’ve heard talk of. Now whether or not we believe it as fervently as the men and their “Bro Code” is open for debate. However, I don’t think I owe you anything. I don’t owe you an explanation. I don’t owe you an apology. And I don’t feel bad for you. Everyone has to learn a lesson or two the hard way, and I suppose this will be one of yours.

In almost every situation involving two girls, one man, and a lie — the wrong person is judged. So, why fake this loyalty? Why expect me to tell you if your boyfriend cheats on you with me if you’ve spent the past month complaining to everyone except for me about me? Why should I be your friend and give you relationship advice if you’re going to tell everyone how I’m making bad life choices because I kissed a boy at a party who, heaven forbid, has kissed another girl we know?

You can’t claim every man you’ve ever kissed as your own. You can’t be mad at the girl who talks to a man you liked and didn’t reciprocate that emotion. You can’t be mad at the girl who was with him before you for sleeping with him when she didn’t know about you. In theory, she can be mad at you. But chances are she isn’t because she’s a really rational individual, and you, are really, really naive.

I no longer feel that I owe anything to anyone. If I do something, an explanation is not owed to anyone. Because what is that girl going to do? Tell everyone what are terrible bitch I am for having mad an error in judgment, and completely ignore my attempt to rectify the situation. So why even try?

Until women quit blaming, attacking and gossiping about other women, there’s no reason to even try and be open with your gender mates. You may as well do what you want, because the rumors will say you did anyways.


How He Gets What He Wants


I’ve realized that some of my better blogs have been retrospective how to guides to myself. There’s something about “I told myself so” that I find really therapeutic. Here’s another shot at a list to myself of things to run away from. If only I could really learn from my own mistakes.

  1. If he quotes Shakespeare to you, you can’t trust him. It is obvious that he knows how to act, and those beautiful, enchanting words won’t do much but make you fall for him even harder when you know you shouldn’t. So, if he starts quoting Big Bill, you get up and walk out that door. You’ll thank me later.
  2. If you receive a phone call at any time after midnight, you should probably just ignore it. In the off chance you think he may have been hit by a car and needs taken to a hospital and you answer, as soon as he tells you he’s at a bar, you should leave. Because, newsflash, sweetie, you’re his last call. And he doesn’t want to talk.
  3. If he tells you some heart wrenching story that makes you think he’s got a reason to be such an asshole, for the love of God, don’t listen. You’ll be justifying all of the Hell you’ve been through, and pretty soon you’ll be agreeing with him that you deserved what you got.
  4. The second he brushes back your hair, kisses you gently, or talks about how beautiful you are — realize that he is lying. He enjoys manipulating you, and probably every other girl ever. Also, if he wants to cuddle, you really, really shouldn’t. Because, as we all know, it’s never, ever just cuddling.
  5. If he tells you to tell him you like him, or asks if you love him (even as a friend), or to tell him what you want from him — don’t do it. He’s trying to get you to tell him you have feelings. And as soon as you do it, he’ll really enjoy every time you send him a text message and he ignores it. So, just stop trying, girls. I am. Hopefully.
  6. This one’s quite unfortunate. But as soon as you really feel like you can be yourself around him, that’s probably about the time he’s gotten what he wants and it will be just about over. You’ll enjoy sitting up for hours when you have an exam in the morning laughing and talking about everything, and then the next day he’ll want to pretend it never happened. And you’ll just be there wishing it didn’t.
  7. If ever he tells you that you’re his type, you’re a great girl, or “moments like these are what make it so hard on him,” just get up and walk out the door. I know it’s hard to resist him, but he doesn’t mean it. It’s just another way he’s winning you over.
  8. If he’s got a reputation, you should probably avoid him. Because even if it doesn’t end up being completely true, he got it somehow. And that means he knows what he’s doing, and no matter how good you are, he’ll beat you at your own game every time.
  9. If any part of your encounter is supposed to be kept private, it probably shouldn’t happen. Because that means he has something to hide from someone, and that something should never be you.
  10. If he uses the words chemistry or connection, that’s a pretty good sign he’s manipulating you. Phrases like “you’re my last good thing here” also count. And, if you try to leave and he tells you to stay, get up and walk away.  Because if you don’t, you’ve played right into his trap.

Good Luck Rachel.


I’m sure many of you have seen, or at least heard of, the film Good Luck Chuck.  Now, for the latter part of my life, all of my friends have told me that I am just like title character, Chuck. I’ve only seen the movie once — in a stupor of a wounded confidence at the hands of an asshole man, so I’ll just provide a basic summary.

Women love sleeping with Chuck, because after doing so, they meet the love of their life.

Now, I’ve always been more like Chuck’s friend, Stu, who serves to remind him that sex without love is still sex. I’m not really actively looking for anything serious.  But still, every single man I have been with, be it dating or talking to, has become seriously involved with the girl he is with immediately following me. And I mean it. EVERY. SINGLE. ONE.

I’ll start off young. In the 8th grade, I dated Steady Eddy — as my mom called him. His next girlfriend was in tenth grade. He has a child to her. Skipping a few less entertaining ones — I dated what one might call my first love. Do you want to know how our relationship ended? With him text messaging a girl I was sitting right next to. And telling her he was single. (He was dating me. Until I saw that.) Now? He’s going to marry a very large, younger girl. She happened to also be the girl after me.

I dated someone the summer before my sophomore year. He’s engaged to the girl he cheated on me with. Sophomore year, both boys I talked to and I didn’t work out — but I bet any money they propose to their respective current girlfriends. This year? I’ve talked to two people. Both of which are now in serious relationships. Noticing a trend?

I always thought it was coincidence. But the most recent man in my life came out and said he wasn’t looking for anything serious. He wanted something fun, because in a month, we’d be going our separate ways. This sentiment was perfect. It was exactly what I was looking for. But then, one night, he tells me he met someone amazing who he seriously likes. Good for him. But what. If someone who blatantly expresses disinterest in dating finds someone to be serious with after being with me, I guess that’s when I’ll know it’s real.

Seriously. I have a curse. And I don’t really know what it is. Or how to fix it. I guess I need to watch the movie again. But at this point, just call me Good Luck Rachel — and if you’re looking for a man, come to me. Because I bet I can date one for you.

He Doesn’t Deserve You.


One of my favorite things to do is watch relationships fail via social media — hence the reason I’ve never put my relationship status on social media. But have you ever noticed that as soon as a Facebook post pops up saying: “Amy is now single” with that tragic broken heart next to it, an onslaught of: “He was never good enough for you” and “He obviously did something wrong, he’ll regret this” occurs. 

No one ever says, “Oh, maybe it just didn’t work out” or “Maybe Amy is a slut and slept with Doug’s best friend”.  No matter the actual situation, the general consensus will be that Doug is an asshole and clearly undeserving of any woman’s love, and he definitely does not deserve Amy.

Women complain about double standards in terms of sexual promiscuity and expectations, yet dish out completely one sided critiques of the male gender.  In reality, most men aren’t as bad as their respective reputations, women have just painted them in such a light to make themselves feel better. 

Recently I was involved in which I was talking to a man. He respectfully informed me that he had met someone else and he was interested in her, and thus proceeded to end things with me. He told me he hadn’t done anything with her until he talked to me about the situation.

Now, whether the story is true or not, I have no proof of.  However, this is not the moral of the story. In telling the few people that were aware of the situation I was in what had occurred, they all told me that he was an asshole, and they couldn’t believe he would do that to me.

With each proclamation that I should never speak to him again and that it was disgusting of me to be okay with this, I found myself more and more shocked at the audacity of these individuals claiming that he didn’t deserve me.

What he did was completely honest and reputable. He didn’t go behind my back. He didn’t try to manipulate both of us. While yes, the situation was less than ideal for me, it was handled with class and decency — two qualities I would never attribute to the asshole mentality everyone decided he possessed.

Here’s the thing, ladies. You get mad that men can sleep with you and be respected for it, while you are vilified, but you don’t give them an equal opportunity in any other field.  I’d rather be called a slut than have people attack me for being a gentleman. 

So the next time you rush off to assure your girlfriend that the man in her life could never possibly deserve her, don’t. That’s most likely not true. It probably just didn’t work out because of issues on both ends, and attacking him won’t help to make anyone feel better — in fact it makes you look just as bad as the arrogant asshole who demeans women, and sometimes they do actually deserve it.

Not Every Girl Wants to be in a Relationship.


Not every girl wants to be in a relationship.

Let’s just read that, and pause to take it in for a minute. Now, I’ll repeat. Not every girl wants to be in a relationship. For some of you, I’m sure this is earth shattering news. So, even though think I’m crazy and that everyone girl around you is just out to find the man most easily persuaded to put a ring on her manicured finger, keep reading. Maybe I’ll enlighten you.

I’m at a stage in my life where I know exactly what I want and I’m going after it. At this point, finding someone to give me my Mrs. is taking a backseat to getting into law school. And, for some unknown reason, this is apparently unacceptable.

I’m 20 years old. Yet when I tell people I’m single, I’m immediately attacked with: “Are you a lesbian?” (No). “Are you doing something wrong?” (Probably, aren’t we all?) and once it was even, “Do you put out enough?” (Thank you, manicurist).

Here’s the truth. I’m not ready for serious. I’m not ready for love. I’m ready to have fun. On my terms. So, what did I do? Went and got just that. And, without saying a word to anyone, I was vilified for it.

I had girls who I didn’t even know ask me if I knew what I was doing. The most entertaining part of this whole situation? I hadn’t done ANYTHING at the point this girl reprimanded me at. I had spoken to, literally just talked, to a man who she deemed less than appropriate.

Let’s revert to point number one. NOT EVERY GIRL WANTS TO BE IN A RELATIONSHIP. Maybe I don’t care what you think of said individual? Because, honestly, girl whose name I don’t even know, I don’t give a damn what you think of anyone I speak to.

Chances are, I know what I’m getting myself into. (I did). And you know what? Unless I come to you, don’t try and ruin that. You might not agree with my choices, but they aren’t yours. Maybe I’m not looking for the one. (I’m not). And even if I were, you have no right to interfere with that. Let me make my own choices, mistakes, regrets, et cetera.  Because there’s obviously something I need to learn from them.

Do me a favor, and remember this. Some girls want to date like guys. Some girls don’t want to date at all. Some girls don’t want a relationship. But that’s up to them, so you can take your meddling elsewhere, and fix something about yourself, because Lord knows I could name a million things you need to change.

I may not be seeking the man to change my name right now, but I’m certainly in a position that makes me happy, and that’s all that matters. So, please, feel free to form opinions about my choices and my actions, and then kindly keep them to yourselves.


Our First and Last Love is Self Love.


For a very long time, I haven’t been okay.

And throughout that very long time, I have told practically no one.

Ever since I was a little girl, I was unhappy with who I was. I was inherently prone to distrust everyone and I didn’t believe in love. I still struggle with those same things today. It’s an ongoing battle. But the one major thing I’ve learned is this: “It’s okay not to be okay”.

I wasn’t happy with the person I was. I could never be pretty enough, skinny enough, smart enough. The bottom line was, I was never enough. There was always someone who was better. But who was I trying to please? Myself. That’s it. No one was there to tell me that I wasn’t what they wanted or I wasn’t good enough; I was superimposing my own perceptions of reality onto what was really there.

I didn’t have any concept of self-love. Sometimes, I still struggle with my concept of self-worth. There are days where I just lay in bed thinking that I’ll never amount to anything. Or nights when I eat too much and remind myself that I’m single and apparently, that’s my fault.

None of that is true. We are all beautiful, we are all perfect. We just have to see it in ourselves before anyone else can.

I’ve never really told anyone what I’ve struggled with. Some of my friends know bits and pieces of it, but I don’t think anyone has ever heard my whole story. I don’t even know that I have a story to tell. Even in my internal struggles, I tell myself that people have bigger problems and mine is so insignificant that I don’t matter.

The fact of the matter is this: WE ALL MATTER. I might not always be happy. I might not always have my shit together, in fact, I don’t think I ever do. But damn it, I matter.

That’s what I have to tell myself every day.

I’ve written myself letters, I look at self-love blog after self-love blog, I read books, I study psychology, I cry, I write and I think. And here’s what I really know:

It’s okay not to be okay. You’re not always going to be okay. You are going to cry. You are going to lose your way. You are going to think that you don’t matter. And, throughout all of that: YOU ARE GOING TO BE WRONG. Everyone is worth so much, and the real solution is to love yourself, because damn it, you are worth loving.

So, I’m on board with the Internal Acceptance Movement. And it’s true that over the past few years, every few steps forward I’ve taken has been met with a step backward. But, I’m getting there. And I know I’m worth loving.

Find your self worth. Find your self love. Find your beauty. Your intelligence. Your passion. And there, you’ll find happiness.

If We Were 11 and it Was 1942….


In the past few days, I’ve learned a lot.

In fact, I might go as far as to say that I’ve learned more these past few days than I have in the past few years.

It all started when I went to my sister’s house the other night for dinner.  As usual, she handed me a stack of books as I walked out the door, each with a claim that I would absolutely love them.  When I got home, I looked through them, and selected the most attractive [judge me] cover, and opened it up. Immediately, I was enraptured by Jamie Ford’s Hotel on the Corner of Bitter and Sweet. Everything about the tale of two children, one Chinese and one Japanese, attempting to negotiate love during WWII and the terror of internment camps pulled at my heart strings.

Now I won’t bore you with the details, or beg you to read it. Instead, I’ll tell you just what this enchanting novel did for me.

It made me cry. And I do not cry. But, throughout the entire book, I sobbed uncontrollably. I learned a lot about the war through this work of fiction than I had ever known. What it taught me was simple. How the war impacted real people. I realized the trauma the Japanese American’s living in the states faced, and the terrors we subjected them to. I felt as though I was with them as their homes were torn apart, as their lives were ruined, and as their spirits were broken. I realized just how lucky I am. And that I should never take what I have for granted, because it could all be taken from me in an instant, just as these people experienced.

But, what I thought to be most important was this.

I learned the meaning of love. I’ve never, ever, ever believed in love.

“I love her. Henry paused at the thought. He didn’t even know what that was, or what it mean, but he felt it, burning in his chest–feeling fuzzy inside. Nothing else seemed to matter. No the somber crowd of camp workers drifting to the barbed-wire gate. Not the machine guns in the towers above.
Henry began to wave, then lowered his hand slowly as the words, “I love you” rolled off his tongue. She was too far away to hear it, or maybe he didn’t make a sound, but she knew, and her mouth echoed the same statement as her hand touched her heart and pointed at Henry. He simply smiled and nodded, turning back to the gate.”

I still can’t form the words to describe it, but I know what it is.  I found myself asking boys: “If we were 11 and I was Japanese and you were Chinese, would you come see me in an internment camp, despite every risk it had?” I know, I know. It’s not a realistic question in any way. But that’s what I need in life. And now, after all of these years, I can finally say that I believe in love. And I’ll even begrudgingly admit that it took the help of two fictional children to teach me what it truly was.

As I’ve already mentioned, I also learned to cry. I sobbed myself to sleep the past few nights as well.  I can’t tell you what I was crying for, because, quite frankly, I have no idea. But what I can tell you is this: I feel so much different. And I feel so damn much better.

And that’s it. In less than 300 pages, my world changed completely. I don’t know what happened, and I don’t know how it will impact me in the long run, I know that it is exactly what I needed. I know what I want, I know what I need, and I know, with a reinforcing fervor, that I am doing exactly what I should be in life.

With that, I leave you all with one final mission. Something to add to your list of New Year’s Resolutions, if you will. Read a book. Any book will do. But lose yourself in it. Become attached to the characters. Imagine their struggles, their triumphs. Experience what they experience. And then, allow it to change you. And see what happens.