Monthly Archives: April 2013

Bros before Hoes.

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My whole life, I’ve been friends with men. I grew up with a group of boys who taught me the ways of the world, and through them I learned a lot of really interesting thing — specifically things about relationships.

From a young age, I knew that something existed called the “bro code.” The premise of said code being quite simple: Bros before Hoes.

When I entered the dating world, I assumed this would be universal. Members of the same sex would stick together, because in the dog eat dog world of relationships, someone had to be there to support you, right? Wrong. Ironically, the “Girl Code” is also “Bros before Hoes”.

Men are never wrong. Women have this flawed frame of mind where they immediately attack all women, but, even though both a man and a woman had to make that choice these woman are so worked up about, they ignore the man’s actions. They believe him over the warnings of their friends. They tell everyone they meet terrible stories about the “nasty homewrecking whore”. They put a bro way before their fellow hoes.

I distinctly remember talking to my best friend (a male) one night about this concept of gender loyalty in relationships. And he said something that really stuck with me: “It’s simple, really. If my friend slept with my girlfriend, I’d confront him. But if you slept with your girlfriend’s boyfriend, she’d talk to everyone except for you about it.” And never has anyone said something more accurate.

That’s the very reason that I don’t believe I owe loyalty to women anymore. And maybe that makes me a terrible person, but why go out of my way to help you out when I know that you’d run your mouth about me the first chance you got?

But really. Have you ever noticed that the other woman is immediately vilified as a dirty slut, while the man’s actions are never even commented on? It takes two to tango, sweetheart, and if your boyfriend cheated on you — the real problem is him, not her.

Why do we, as women, feel the need to attack other women? It’s obvious that everyone is out to get everyone else. But why?

So what if she’s kissed a lot of guys? She’s still supposed to be your friend, so damn it, act like one. Don’t run around telling everyone how she’s a terrible person and you can’t believe her unless you’re willing to say something to her face. And who cares if one of the men she kissed has also kissed another of your friends? IT ISN’T HER FAULT. Maybe you should just look at the man who is the connecting factor.

But, ladies, if everyone has warned you about him, and you make the choice, then you should be prepared for the consequences. I’m going to have a very hard time feeling bad for you when you end up heartbroken after you ignored everyone telling you about him, and all of the warning signs, and you didn’t ask the girl all of the rumors are about, but instead decided to talk about her to all of her friends.

That girl he slept with while he was dating you did nothing wrong. She didn’t know about you. Granted, she’d heard some rumors, but how was she to know they were true? Also, she came first.

This is why I don’t believe in the “Girl Code” that I’ve heard talk of. Now whether or not we believe it as fervently as the men and their “Bro Code” is open for debate. However, I don’t think I owe you anything. I don’t owe you an explanation. I don’t owe you an apology. And I don’t feel bad for you. Everyone has to learn a lesson or two the hard way, and I suppose this will be one of yours.

In almost every situation involving two girls, one man, and a lie — the wrong person is judged. So, why fake this loyalty? Why expect me to tell you if your boyfriend cheats on you with me if you’ve spent the past month complaining to everyone except for me about me? Why should I be your friend and give you relationship advice if you’re going to tell everyone how I’m making bad life choices because I kissed a boy at a party who, heaven forbid, has kissed another girl we know?

You can’t claim every man you’ve ever kissed as your own. You can’t be mad at the girl who talks to a man you liked and didn’t reciprocate that emotion. You can’t be mad at the girl who was with him before you for sleeping with him when she didn’t know about you. In theory, she can be mad at you. But chances are she isn’t because she’s a really rational individual, and you, are really, really naive.

I no longer feel that I owe anything to anyone. If I do something, an explanation is not owed to anyone. Because what is that girl going to do? Tell everyone what are terrible bitch I am for having mad an error in judgment, and completely ignore my attempt to rectify the situation. So why even try?

Until women quit blaming, attacking and gossiping about other women, there’s no reason to even try and be open with your gender mates. You may as well do what you want, because the rumors will say you did anyways.

How He Gets What He Wants

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I’ve realized that some of my better blogs have been retrospective how to guides to myself. There’s something about “I told myself so” that I find really therapeutic. Here’s another shot at a list to myself of things to run away from. If only I could really learn from my own mistakes.

  1. If he quotes Shakespeare to you, you can’t trust him. It is obvious that he knows how to act, and those beautiful, enchanting words won’t do much but make you fall for him even harder when you know you shouldn’t. So, if he starts quoting Big Bill, you get up and walk out that door. You’ll thank me later.
  2. If you receive a phone call at any time after midnight, you should probably just ignore it. In the off chance you think he may have been hit by a car and needs taken to a hospital and you answer, as soon as he tells you he’s at a bar, you should leave. Because, newsflash, sweetie, you’re his last call. And he doesn’t want to talk.
  3. If he tells you some heart wrenching story that makes you think he’s got a reason to be such an asshole, for the love of God, don’t listen. You’ll be justifying all of the Hell you’ve been through, and pretty soon you’ll be agreeing with him that you deserved what you got.
  4. The second he brushes back your hair, kisses you gently, or talks about how beautiful you are — realize that he is lying. He enjoys manipulating you, and probably every other girl ever. Also, if he wants to cuddle, you really, really shouldn’t. Because, as we all know, it’s never, ever just cuddling.
  5. If he tells you to tell him you like him, or asks if you love him (even as a friend), or to tell him what you want from him — don’t do it. He’s trying to get you to tell him you have feelings. And as soon as you do it, he’ll really enjoy every time you send him a text message and he ignores it. So, just stop trying, girls. I am. Hopefully.
  6. This one’s quite unfortunate. But as soon as you really feel like you can be yourself around him, that’s probably about the time he’s gotten what he wants and it will be just about over. You’ll enjoy sitting up for hours when you have an exam in the morning laughing and talking about everything, and then the next day he’ll want to pretend it never happened. And you’ll just be there wishing it didn’t.
  7. If ever he tells you that you’re his type, you’re a great girl, or “moments like these are what make it so hard on him,” just get up and walk out the door. I know it’s hard to resist him, but he doesn’t mean it. It’s just another way he’s winning you over.
  8. If he’s got a reputation, you should probably avoid him. Because even if it doesn’t end up being completely true, he got it somehow. And that means he knows what he’s doing, and no matter how good you are, he’ll beat you at your own game every time.
  9. If any part of your encounter is supposed to be kept private, it probably shouldn’t happen. Because that means he has something to hide from someone, and that something should never be you.
  10. If he uses the words chemistry or connection, that’s a pretty good sign he’s manipulating you. Phrases like “you’re my last good thing here” also count. And, if you try to leave and he tells you to stay, get up and walk away.  Because if you don’t, you’ve played right into his trap.

Good Luck Rachel.

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I’m sure many of you have seen, or at least heard of, the film Good Luck Chuck.  Now, for the latter part of my life, all of my friends have told me that I am just like title character, Chuck. I’ve only seen the movie once — in a stupor of a wounded confidence at the hands of an asshole man, so I’ll just provide a basic summary.

Women love sleeping with Chuck, because after doing so, they meet the love of their life.

Now, I’ve always been more like Chuck’s friend, Stu, who serves to remind him that sex without love is still sex. I’m not really actively looking for anything serious.  But still, every single man I have been with, be it dating or talking to, has become seriously involved with the girl he is with immediately following me. And I mean it. EVERY. SINGLE. ONE.

I’ll start off young. In the 8th grade, I dated Steady Eddy — as my mom called him. His next girlfriend was in tenth grade. He has a child to her. Skipping a few less entertaining ones — I dated what one might call my first love. Do you want to know how our relationship ended? With him text messaging a girl I was sitting right next to. And telling her he was single. (He was dating me. Until I saw that.) Now? He’s going to marry a very large, younger girl. She happened to also be the girl after me.

I dated someone the summer before my sophomore year. He’s engaged to the girl he cheated on me with. Sophomore year, both boys I talked to and I didn’t work out — but I bet any money they propose to their respective current girlfriends. This year? I’ve talked to two people. Both of which are now in serious relationships. Noticing a trend?

I always thought it was coincidence. But the most recent man in my life came out and said he wasn’t looking for anything serious. He wanted something fun, because in a month, we’d be going our separate ways. This sentiment was perfect. It was exactly what I was looking for. But then, one night, he tells me he met someone amazing who he seriously likes. Good for him. But what. If someone who blatantly expresses disinterest in dating finds someone to be serious with after being with me, I guess that’s when I’ll know it’s real.

Seriously. I have a curse. And I don’t really know what it is. Or how to fix it. I guess I need to watch the movie again. But at this point, just call me Good Luck Rachel — and if you’re looking for a man, come to me. Because I bet I can date one for you.

He Doesn’t Deserve You.

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One of my favorite things to do is watch relationships fail via social media — hence the reason I’ve never put my relationship status on social media. But have you ever noticed that as soon as a Facebook post pops up saying: “Amy is now single” with that tragic broken heart next to it, an onslaught of: “He was never good enough for you” and “He obviously did something wrong, he’ll regret this” occurs. 

No one ever says, “Oh, maybe it just didn’t work out” or “Maybe Amy is a slut and slept with Doug’s best friend”.  No matter the actual situation, the general consensus will be that Doug is an asshole and clearly undeserving of any woman’s love, and he definitely does not deserve Amy.

Women complain about double standards in terms of sexual promiscuity and expectations, yet dish out completely one sided critiques of the male gender.  In reality, most men aren’t as bad as their respective reputations, women have just painted them in such a light to make themselves feel better. 

Recently I was involved in which I was talking to a man. He respectfully informed me that he had met someone else and he was interested in her, and thus proceeded to end things with me. He told me he hadn’t done anything with her until he talked to me about the situation.

Now, whether the story is true or not, I have no proof of.  However, this is not the moral of the story. In telling the few people that were aware of the situation I was in what had occurred, they all told me that he was an asshole, and they couldn’t believe he would do that to me.

With each proclamation that I should never speak to him again and that it was disgusting of me to be okay with this, I found myself more and more shocked at the audacity of these individuals claiming that he didn’t deserve me.

What he did was completely honest and reputable. He didn’t go behind my back. He didn’t try to manipulate both of us. While yes, the situation was less than ideal for me, it was handled with class and decency — two qualities I would never attribute to the asshole mentality everyone decided he possessed.

Here’s the thing, ladies. You get mad that men can sleep with you and be respected for it, while you are vilified, but you don’t give them an equal opportunity in any other field.  I’d rather be called a slut than have people attack me for being a gentleman. 

So the next time you rush off to assure your girlfriend that the man in her life could never possibly deserve her, don’t. That’s most likely not true. It probably just didn’t work out because of issues on both ends, and attacking him won’t help to make anyone feel better — in fact it makes you look just as bad as the arrogant asshole who demeans women, and sometimes they do actually deserve it.