For a very long time, I haven’t been okay.
And throughout that very long time, I have told practically no one.
Ever since I was a little girl, I was unhappy with who I was. I was inherently prone to distrust everyone and I didn’t believe in love. I still struggle with those same things today. It’s an ongoing battle. But the one major thing I’ve learned is this: “It’s okay not to be okay”.
I wasn’t happy with the person I was. I could never be pretty enough, skinny enough, smart enough. The bottom line was, I was never enough. There was always someone who was better. But who was I trying to please? Myself. That’s it. No one was there to tell me that I wasn’t what they wanted or I wasn’t good enough; I was superimposing my own perceptions of reality onto what was really there.
I didn’t have any concept of self-love. Sometimes, I still struggle with my concept of self-worth. There are days where I just lay in bed thinking that I’ll never amount to anything. Or nights when I eat too much and remind myself that I’m single and apparently, that’s my fault.
None of that is true. We are all beautiful, we are all perfect. We just have to see it in ourselves before anyone else can.
I’ve never really told anyone what I’ve struggled with. Some of my friends know bits and pieces of it, but I don’t think anyone has ever heard my whole story. I don’t even know that I have a story to tell. Even in my internal struggles, I tell myself that people have bigger problems and mine is so insignificant that I don’t matter.
The fact of the matter is this: WE ALL MATTER. I might not always be happy. I might not always have my shit together, in fact, I don’t think I ever do. But damn it, I matter.
That’s what I have to tell myself every day.
I’ve written myself letters, I look at self-love blog after self-love blog, I read books, I study psychology, I cry, I write and I think. And here’s what I really know:
It’s okay not to be okay. You’re not always going to be okay. You are going to cry. You are going to lose your way. You are going to think that you don’t matter. And, throughout all of that: YOU ARE GOING TO BE WRONG. Everyone is worth so much, and the real solution is to love yourself, because damn it, you are worth loving.
So, I’m on board with the Internal Acceptance Movement. And it’s true that over the past few years, every few steps forward I’ve taken has been met with a step backward. But, I’m getting there. And I know I’m worth loving.
Find your self worth. Find your self love. Find your beauty. Your intelligence. Your passion. And there, you’ll find happiness.