Monthly Archives: April 2012

Summer 2012 Bucket List


Keeping up with the whole self improvement theme of 2012, I’ve gotten really into making lists. To Do lists to keep organized, goal lists so I have something to strive for, shopping lists just because that’s easier, and Bucket Lists. But doing one for my entire life seems rather daunting, and if the world were to end this year, I’d never accomplish it. So I’m in the process of writing a “Summer 2012 Bucket List”. I’m sure that it will continue to change, things always seem to find a way to do that. But here’s the work in progress. :]


  1. Get a real, outdoors tan.
  2. Go to the gym every day.
  3. Go on a raw/organic foods diet. Basically don’t eat anything processed. I have a garden, take advantage of it.
  4. Sleep outside under the stars.
  5. Read at least one book per week.
  6. Read the Bible, cover to cover.
  7. Only drink water, tea and homemade lemonade.
  8. Go to the rodeo at least once.
  9. Go fishing.
  10. Take a random road trip.
  11. Blog at least once a week.
  12. Clean my room. Really.
  13. Have a yard sale.
  14. Go to as many fairs as possible.
  15. Go to “Country Concert”.
  16. Cook for my family at least once a week.
  17. Go to baseball games. A lot.
  18. Clean out my closet.
  19. Purchase a new wardrobe. This needs done.
  20. Get over a 170 on my practice LSAT.
  21. Research law schools and rank them in order of interest.
  22. Select a signature scent.
  23. Take my mom to get a pedicure.
  24. Go on at least three daddy/daughter dates.
  25. Have one slumber party with my niece every month.
  26. Get my bellybutton pierced?
  27. Learn to sew.
  28. Learn to hula hoop.
  29. Go camping. A lot.
  30. Have bonfires.
  31. Figure out what I want in life.
  32. Go to Kennywood.
  33. Go to the park and play on the playground.
  34. Designate an evening to my family once a week.
  35. Learn to be happy alone.
  36. Appreciate going to sleep earlier.
  37. Go to the beach.
  38. Get a pair of Toms.
  39. Become fluent in Spanish again so I can do well in these 300 level courses I so should not have signed myself up for.
  40. Learn to kayak.
  41. Actually become good at the sport tennis.
  42. Go golfing with Mom and Dad at least once every month.
  43. Pack a real picnic.
  44. Volunteer somewhere in my town.
  45. Figure out my political views and declare them.
  46. Save all of my money. If I want to hang out with friends, that’s what houses are for.
  47. Grow my hair out.
  48. Go to the zoo/aquarium.
  49. Go to the drive in.
  50. Have a water balloon fight.
  51. Go one day without using any technology.
  52. Dance in the rain.
  53. Take enough pictures to have a photo album.
  54. Wash my car by hand only.
  55. Buy a TWLOHA shirt.
  56. Have a Slip-n-Slide party.
  57. Go night swimming.
  58. Spend a day thrift-ing.
  59. Catch fireflies.
  60. Go garage sailing once. Like six in the morning garage sailing.
  61. Watch the sunrise.
  62. Watch the sunset.
  63. Go to a shooting range.
  64. Watch the rest of the Harry Potter movies.
  65. Start keeping a journal.
  66. Have an 80s movie marathon.
  67. Go on bike rides.
  68. Get a Greenville Library Card.
  69. Make a guacamole.
  70. Get a pen pal.
  71. Start making homemade beauty products.

In general, end this summer a better me than I began it. 🙂

Here’s to SUMMER 2012, let’s make it a good one.


Life Lessons According to Rachel


I’ve learned a lot of tough lessons these past few days. And while yes, its been a few of the worst days I’ve had in a really long time, I’ve learned so much from them. I’ve always been a firm believer that sometimes you need to learn your lessons the hard way, so I guess I just got a taste of my own medicine.

LESSON ONE. Boys are not worth any part of your time. I know this sounds very cliche and an over used but here’s the thing. They will make you cry. And not because you care about them at all, but they will still make you cry on a late weekend night. You won’t have any fun with them, not at all. You should only have friends. And please, for the love of God, make sure they are mentally stable. That is key.

LESSON TWO. You cannot be friends with everyone. Why? Well, you see, inevitably someone will decide to talk about you. Even though they should be your “friend”. Or make up some lie like: You stole her pants. Instead. Figure out who your real friends are. And don’t ever do anything to mess that up.

LESSON THREE: If you lose your room key in a foreign country, replace that. Or else you might end up stranded on a futon unable to get into your room. Also. Never leave your keys in a boy’s room and leave — he will fall asleep and you will be stranded, and sad, and look a tiny bit crazy.

LESSON FOUR: Don’t listen to someone who isn’t actually one of your friends. Because chances are they aren’t trustworthy and they will have lied to you. And then you will probably end up fighting with someone who actually matters, then you’ll probably cry and maybe get an injury or two. It happens.

LESSON FIVE: Do not — I repeat: DO NOT let someone walk all over you. If they hurt you once, that’s it. Don’t keep thinking something will change because it WON’T. It really will just get worse. And then you’ll run in heels and fall. And yell at a lot of important people. And go into a boy’s bathroom in public. Oops. So. A recap: Don’t put up with people. Not worth it.

LESSON SIX: Be happy. Really. Don’t be angry. Or yell. Or cry. Or throw a temper tantrum, although there are many reasons you may want to. But instead, just be happy. Laugh. Dance. Smile. And don’t care about anything but having a good time.

LESSON SEVEN: Don’t wear flip flops in slippery locations, or you will fall. A lot. And it will be painful, and you will get bruises, and no one likes pain or bruises. Because they look bad and hurt bunches and it just isn’t good. Always wear appropriate footwear for the situation. You’ll thank me for that one.

LESSON EIGHT: Never be too good to apologize. Given the circumstances, the person should be willing to accept you and love you, as clearly you had no ability to control that whole situation — REALLY. And if you apologize, it is good for you emotionally also. And, in accordance with that, you should never be too good to forgive either. Its a two way street. And don’t harbor resentment, just move on. FORGET. Its really for the best.

LESSON NINE: Don’t regret things. It really isn’t worth it at all. Because it doesn’t do anything for you except force you to dwell on things that you do not need to. We all make mistakes, and really, really bad ones sometimes. So don’t think about it. Forget it. Move on. Be happy. Good. Great. Happy.


Be happy. Forgive your true friends and forget. Don’t ever let someone who doesn’t deserve you take advantage of you. Have fun. Smile. Laugh. Love. But always practice caution, because everyone is not who they seem. You will end up hurt. There will be nights where you cry uncontrollably on a friend’s futon for an undetermined reason or yell at everyone you see. There will be nights when you hate everything. But there will also be nights that you realize why you made the choices you have, and instead of dwelling on regrets, you will be filled with a feeling of “rightness”.

Dortin’s Guide to Douchebaggery


Alright, y’all. Recently I’ve read an obscene amount of literature of the blog, text book, novel, short story variety — all of it with the same generic message. Don’t go for the douche bags, give the nice guys a chance. Ignore bad boy appeal and give the weird kid in the back of the class room who bought you flowers a shot, he might not be the hottest out there, but he sure will treat you right.

Well, that’s all well and good, but, I’m here to tell you that as many times as you want to preach this lesson that we hard-headed women should most definitely take, it just isn’t going to happen. So, since I might be president of the douche bag fan club, I figured I would do something new. Something contrasting every,single thing you’ve ever read — provide those nice guys out there with a step by step guide to douchebaggery. Its an art that takes years to perfect, but with a little work, you’ll get there.

Now, boys, repeat after me. I will not take “no” for an answer, I will only give it. I will no longer comfort a girl while she cries, because I will be making her cry. I will not, under any circumstances, shower her with compliments or do anything nice for her. I will cast aside my “nice guy” tendencies and, for lack of a better term, douche it up.



I know its a cliche, and I’m sure you love your mom’s knitted sweater, but save those for obnoxious family gatherings where they’ll gush over how great you are and you won’t be trying to pick up a girl. Go out immediately and purchase a collection of Sperry’s, Polo, button downs. If you really want to look like a douche bag, bedazzled jeans and Ed Hardy is a solid go to outfit, but I’d say restrict those articles of clothing to the Jersey Shore.

Go get yourself some hair supplies, because as endearing as that frizzy, dismantled mess of hair on top of your head is, it doesn’t scream: I’m a tool, it screams, I’m fun and playful, let’s be friends. Get yourself a good cologne, NO AXE BODY SPRAY, THIS IS NOT 8TH GRADE. I REPEAT — NO AXE BODY SPRAY.



Now, I know you’ve spent all your life sending kind text messages to whiny girls, telling them they are beautiful and any man would be lucky to have them, whatever. You’re texts will become infinitely shorter — things like, “Hey” “Yes” “No” “Idk” “Nite”. Those are your friends. Also, bonus points for waiting three hours to respond to her messages, she’ll really fall for you when you do that.

You will no longer call a girl beautiful or pretty, she is hot, sexy, a slam, dime-piece if you so choose. But never, ever beautiful. You will text her between the hours of 9 PM and 2 AM, sometimes waiting days between texting her. Don’t you worry, you’ll have her calling the phone company to see if her phone is still in service.



So as much as you enjoy sitting down, eating mass amounts of food and talking about her feelings, or actually watching movies or helping her babysit — you must stop. You will go to parties, at your fraternity or sport house. If you are in neither of those things, please proceed to join one. It helps a lot. You will ignore her at those parties, only dancing with her on occasion, but never only her.

You will no longer go on walks or out to dinner, at best promise her a late night McDonald’s run. She will pay for herself. Better yet, she will make you, and any friends you may so deem appropriate, dinner. She will clean and do your laundry and service you. Its the way the world should run, good sirs.



For the love of all things Holy, don’t stand outside of her window throwing rocks with a bouquet of roses. Everyone fantasizes about it, but I speak from experience, its actually quite petrifying when a rock hits your window at 3 AM, and the flowers are just plant sex parts, its not romantic. We like it when instead at 3 AM, we are responsible for taking care of you, or listening to you tell lie after lie. That’s what really draws us in. 

On occasion, throw out the tiniest phrase to make us think you’re interested in dating us, like, “You’re really cool” or “I had a great time with you tonight” and then ignore us for a week and talk to another girl. I’ll let you in on a little secret, we’ll lie awake until all hours of the night talking to our girlfriends and analyzing what the text: “How was your day?” actually meant.


Now, I know I could go on and on taking you out of your sensitive, caring shell and introducing you to the world of male supremacy and douchebaggery, but I think you have enough homework for one night. I wish you luck, nice boys, and I can almost guarantee that girl you’ve been waiting on for years who had you friend-zoned from the day you shared your lunch with her in elementary school will throw herself at your feet.

It’s a twisted cycle that I can’t quite understand, yet I’m at the forefront of it. Nice guys finish last, always have and always will. In a dog eat dog world, the lion eats the lamb, the tool beats out the friend, and the douche bag gets the girl.

Now girls, I’m sorry to have just thrown more of these crude, offensive tools out there to mingle in the dating pool, but in a sea of sharks, have any of you really bothered to give those clownfish a shot? That’s what I thought.



always a girl friend, never a girlfriend.


Recently, I’ve been informed that I’m a great girl friend. I don’t bring drama to a relationship, I’m comfortable being one of the guys. I’m not offended by vulgar jokes or crude bodily functions, and, just in general, I mesh better with the male population. So, thus, I am a kick ass girl friend.

However, apparently, this does not make me a good girlfriend. Its funny how difficult it is to get rid of that tiny, little space. Even though, I actually am a fantastic girlfriend. I cook, and pretty damn well at that. I clean. I give THE GREATEST gifts ever, I understand the importance of bro time and I’m just all around wonderful.

But, I’ve been told a lot lately, that it doesn’t matter. To stop “presenting myself as a friend and put myself out there”. LIKE WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN. I just, like, am not going to actually start throwing myself at men or acting all damsel in distress like to land myself a man. I’m not quite that desperate, my dears, my apologies. 

Now, ladies and gentlemen, I am going to tell you this about myself. I dig myself into these holes. I don’t really like nice men, so that immediately sets me up for failure. When one treats me well, buys me flowers, says kind things — I tend to run the other way. Apparently the story goes that I like being treated poorly. That’s fine, I’ve accepted it and moved on. Its not that nice guys aren’t out there, its that I would rather listen to nails on a chalkboard than have some manchild telling me about his feelings.

So, no. I’m not going to go and make myself more feminine to play to the tastes of these men that I’m so lucky to call my friends.  I am just not in anyway interested in that, and I think that means I’d have to shower and shave my legs, two things I’m presently not at all concerned with.

I’ll keep up my ways, and the douche bags in my life can keep up with theirs, and we can all just be great friends and instead of finding myself a life companion with a human male, I’ll be friends with them and go buy myself a dog. And probably some beer. And live out the rest of my days with my friends.

I mean, shouldn’t it be better to have a bunch of friends than be dependent on one person forever? Yeah. That’s sort of what I was thinking. But that’s just me. So, girl friend it is — a title I will wear proudly. In cohorts with single, but that’s fine.

So, here’s to being a girl friend, not a girlfriend. And happy, not upset. YOLO, Brah. [And that right there is probably what got me that title of mine]