This is my first genuinely unhappy blog. I told myself that wasn’t what this was about; this is a blog of self acceptance, not self loathing. But while I’m upset about this particular character trait I’m about to share with you, It’s something I need to come to accept. So, I’ll look at it like that, I suppose.
I’ve always been “one of the guys”. My closest friends, for the post part, are of the opposite sex, and I’ve always felt more comfortable with them than with other girls. I’ve learned the ways of the world, I know more about rap than anyone I could imagine, I can hold my own on the topic of sports, attractive women and, well, just about anything else. As a result, I would rather go fishing than to a nice dinner or ride around in a pick up truck with the guys than go out shopping. I’m relatively low maintenance and really, all I want is to be happy.
That being said, I’ve had my fair share of men. I’ve always been good enough. I was always accepted, and they appreciated me for what I was. I live to please the man I’m with. I strive to be the perfect girl. I am the one who gets rid of them because they aren’t good enough for me.
And then, it happened. I knew it was coming. But I met someone who had a checklist. Five specific things they looked for in a woman. I was a zero out of five. Unfortunately, I’m really inefficient when it comes to not being good enough. So, of course this bothers me. And, of course, I’m convinced I can change it.
So, yet again, I’m drawn back to my current life mantra — Legally Blonde. A wonderful friend who has been there for me regardless of what the situation posted a song on my wall from the musical, and I started listening again, and realized, this is my life.
Girl changes her career path to be a lawyer, isn’t good enough for a boy, tries to be, and then realizes she doesn’t need him and he actually doesn’t deserve her. I just need to get to that last point. And its not like I’m changing myself. Or anything. But. I need to accept that I’m not always going to be good enough. I need to be happy.
I have been more of a Marilyn and less of a Jackie for my entire life. I’m not “serious”, and my like the perfect Elle Woods, I’m not the cookie cutter girl that these boys are looking for. But I’m about to be so much more successful and do so much with my life. I don’t want to make anyone happy but myself. And I’m not going to let anyone bring me down. Be it a boy, a girl, anyone.
From this point forward, no one is telling me no. I am going to get what I want. And everything will be so much better than anyone could ever imagine. Instead of letting bitter words bring me down, I’m going to feed off of them, and be so much better than before.
So, maybe one day you’ll see that what you want is right in front of you, but then, as the story goes, I won’t want it anymore. Here’s the thing, sir, I’d rather have a woman with some depth than a cookie cutter that would never make you happy. Marilyn trumps Jackie, boy.
Ironically, this isn’t an upset blog at all. Probably because I find happiness in doing what I love. Which consequently is writing and not either of you trying to bring me down at the moment. But thanks for whipping me back into shape and reminding me what I need to do, acquire the taste for blood in the water.
Oh, and props if you’ve caught any of my musical references here. That’s my inspiration, good sir and ma’am. So, I’ll continue being the girl you don’t want, and in the end, you’ll be the one asking me for my hand, but I’ll be so-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh much better, than before.